The summer reading books that I read were a Child Called It and The Contender. I will be using th following two characters to carry on a conversation: Mother the abusive parent from A Child Called It, and Alfred, the boxer from The Contender. The characters are meeting for the first time in Harlem where Alfred lives and have mixed reactions. I will be playing Alfred in this conversation that takes place on a busy street.
I was walking down the streets of Harlem when this mad lady ran into me while I was carrying a bag of groceries from Lou Eppsteins store a.k.a. Lighting Lou Epp. Her hair was all tangled and she smelt like she hadn’t bathed in weeks. She had deathly look about her that would make big ‘Ol Jelly squeal (Jelly is the boxer that ate too much so Mr. Donatelli wouldn’t train him).
Anyway this mad women was only two feet away by the time I got back to reality and before I could move, Whack! She plowed right into me and milk spilled over the two of us.
“What was that for,” I Yelled.
“You could have moved, and look it’s all over my clothes!” she belted
“Look lady they couldn’t have gotten any worse than they were before,” I barked back.
“I outta do what I did to my son,” she mumbled.
Curiosly I asked,“Why what did you do.”
She started explaining, It was back when I had a home and I wasn’t on the run. I would torture him. He wasn’t the oldest or the youngest. I would make him vomit if I new he was eating. I would make him sleep in torn up clothes. I even locked him in a room with chemicals so that he couldn’t breath.
“That’s so terrible, so what happened to him,” I stated frightened.
She continued, “The brat told his teachers and the cops came and set him free. Next thing you know, I was on the run to New York where I ran into you, or you ran into me,” she said.
“So what do you do for a living?” She wondered.
I used to be a boxer. I had to work real hard to be a contender. I ran every morning, ate a big breakfast, and then worked out in the gym for hours. It was tough. When I actually became an amateur contender, I would eat a steak, let it digest, and fight. I only fought three amateur bouts, but it was worth it.
Before I finished telling her about my boxing adventures, I realized that lady was gone and so were all of my groceries. I suppose that’s what I get for stepping out of reality. Well, now I guess I give another visit to the great Lou Epp and his store full of groceries, lesson learned.
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4 comments:
thought this was a very good story and it actually makes since. It kind of made me feel sorry for the mom and Alfred especially because she stole his groceries. I can just see them crashing into each other on the street with the mom yelling at Alfred. It made me think about what really did happen to the mom after david escaped.
The conversation of the characters did feel authentic and real because he put together both stories very well. They seemed real because they like told each other their stories and how bad both their lives were. I actually thought the authors diologue was very believable and he used good adjectives to make the story more exciting.
I really liked the part while they were both yelling at each other. The quote that I remember most was “Look lady they couldn’t have gotten any worse than they were before.” I like this quote because I think it’s kind of funny and probably true. I can picture David’s mom looking and having really bad clothing.
The only thing that I found distracting was the use of grammar. It was very small mistakes like leaving out one little word. I could still tell what the author was trying to say though so it didn’t bother me that much.
Next time the author could consider to make him be the mom instead and see what point of view the story would have if it was David’s mother speaking. Maybe you wouldn’t make her so angry and it would look like Alfred was the bad guy.
Will,
My reaction to your story was that you were fast to tell everyone about the characters separate story, that you didn’t do that well of a good telling your story.
The conversation between your two characters was pretty bland. All they did was explain their story to each other.
My favorite part of the story is when the Mad Lady goes out and explains everything that she did to her son to Alfred, who to her is a stranger. She even tells him that she’s running from the cops! I think it’s funny that unrealistic it seems.
One thing about your story that is problematic is that the story line stunk. It needs some real work.
A piece of advice for next time is that you really need to take the time to write a story that makes more sense and sounds good. Also don’t rush it next time
-Casey
After reading the story, I felt a bit confused. The images that I see clearly are Alfred in the store walking straight into a woman in ratty clothes. The story made me think about a time when I accidentally walked into an old lady at the store.
The conversation did at times seem authentic, but there were some things that Alfred said that did not seem like something he would say. The good descriptive adjectives made the characters seem real, and I could easily picture them in my head. One thing hat you could have done to make your dialogue better is to make Alfred more polite when he ran into the mad lady.
My favorite part of the story was the end when you mentioned that Alfred’s food was stolen. I liked that because I thought it was funny. "Her hair was all tangled and she smelt like she hadn’t bathed in weeks." I liked this sentence because it made it very easy for me to picture what the mad lady looked and smelled like.
One thing about the essay that I thought to be problematic was tht there seemed to be some times when you were speaking, but there weren't quotation marks. That kind of confused me a little bit and I had to re-read those parts a few times before I understood that that was dialogue. One thing that you could do better on is making your essay more formal. Don't start sentences with an "Anyway," because it just sounds like you're writing a letter to a friend.
Next time, try putting in more detail about the setting, so that the reader can see clearly not only the characters, but where the story takes place as well.
Will,
When I read this story I was interested a little because it wasn’t that detailed but it did tell me what Child Called It and The Contender were about. I felt that after I read it I knew what each story was generally about. This story made me think about the two books story lines.
The conversation seemed a little fake because I don’t think the Mad Lady would tell Alfred about how she tortured her son. There were only a few details and they were about the Mad Lady. I got the picture that she was very ratty looking and ugly. Will, could have added more detail about Alfred’s appearance.
My favorite part of the story was when the lady stole his groceries. I liked the line when Alfred said “Look lady they couldn’t have gotten any worse than they were before.” I liked this specific quote because it was funny because Alfred is insulting her clothes.
I found some things distracting like in the beginning where he forgot an e in the. Something else I found distracting was that some of the things said in the story the characters themselves would never say. I don’t think the Mad Lady or Alfred would tell practically there life stories to each other.
I would recommend Will to check his work better with the word check and read it over. Next time I think Will should try to add more adjectives. Also I think he should include more detail and use similes and metaphors. Next time I hope to see a better story by Mr. William V.
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