As David sat on the stairs in the dim lit, cold basement, he thought he heard someone whistling near the window. He looked around and was able to get a glimpse of a young woman who was walking in the backyard. David tapped on the window with a broomstick handle until he caught the attention of the stranger. She looked down in wonderment as to why this young boy was shaking quite severely and standing alone in the cellar. She knelt on the ground and proceeded to talk to him through the cracked window pane. As the stranger looked around through the window she noticed an old army cot set up in the corner that appeared to have blood-stained sheets lying across it. David looked at her with such fear and hopelessness.
The stranger, whose name is Becca Berlin asked, “Are you O.K.?”
David replied, “Sure, I’m fine. I had fallen down the stairs and the door was
locked when I tried going back up. My mom will be home soon and she’ll open it for
me.”
Becca said, “Oh, I’m lost. I was supposed to be meeting someone in this
neighborhood who is helping me to find out some information on my grandmother and I
must have taken a wrong turn and ended up in your backyard.”
David exclaimed, “Is your grandmother lost?”
Becca smiled and said, “No, but she may have been a princess.”
This drew a big smile from David as he wanted to hear more about this princess.
David asked, “Did your grandma live in a castle?”
Becca laughed, “Well, I’m trying to find out that very same answer. I’ll let you
know once I’m able to solve this puzzle.”
David looked at Becca with his great big eyes which looked so sad. He decided
to ask another question about her grandma. He blurted out, “Is she a kind princess or a
wicked princess?”
Becca replied, “She was the kindest princess you could ever meet.” Becca looked
down at David and asked, “I hope you don’t mind my saying but why are your clothes so
tattered?”
David looked very nervous and fidgety. Before he could reply he heard a voice
calling.
Becca was startled by the tone of the individual who was yelling out, “David, get
upstairs, right now!”
David stammered, “Ummmm…. I’m sorry, I must go now. It was nice talking to
you. Thank you for sharing your story.”
David immediately jumped up and the conversation was coming to an end.
Becca said, “O.K., take care.”
He answered, “You, too. I must go NOW.”
David’s neighbor, Mr. Gibbs, was crossing the lawn calling out to Becca as he
realized she turned into the wrong yard. Becca gave David a quick wave goodbye.
When Becca arrived in Mr. Gibbs’ living room she could not escape the image of
how sad and terrible that little boy in the basement looked. She questioned Mr. and Mrs.
Gibbs if they knew the little boy next door. Neither remembered anything special about
any of the children next door as the family kept to themselves.
Becca returned to the hotel after spending a few hours with the Gibbs’ and
learning some of the past history about her grandmother. She tossed and turned in bed
for hours with the image of that sad little boy engrained in her mind. She couldn’t help
feeling that something was just not right.
The next day she returned to the Gibbs’ house knowing they were planning to
leave town for the day to attend a county fair. This would give her the opportunity to
peek in the cellar window and see if the little boy was there. What she saw stunned her.
She was cutting through the backyard making her way around when she heard a woman’s
voice screaming. When she looked in the window she could see this woman in the
kitchen, smashing the little boy’s face into the counter area. This was the same little face
she had seen the night before through the basement window.
Becca immediately goes to the Daly City Police Department and reported the
incident. David doesn’t realize it yet but once he arrives at school, he will be free from
his mother’s abuse.
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1 comment:
After reading Jenny’s essay, I was intrigued. I would’ve never thought to link the two stories of David, from A Child Called It, and Rebecca from Briar Rose, the way she did. She also but a lot of detail from the actual stories into her essay. She wrote about how David’s mother smashed his face into the counter top, and how Rebecca went to visit the Gibbs’ to find out information on her grandmother. The title itself, The Strangers, kind of freaked me out a little and gave me the idea that it was kind of a haunting story which in a way it is because what little boy would enjoy getting beaten by his mother for no good reason?
I think that Jenny could have gone a little more in depth with their conversation, to me it was a little bland and David didn’t really explain about his problems. He tries to hide the fact that his mom beats him. Rebecca’s character could’ve been a little more open with her story as well. Sure they’re strangers and just happened upon each other rather randomly one night, but I think that they could’ve been more open with the setting.
My favorite part of the story was the whole first paragraph of the essay;
“As David sat on the stairs in the dim lit, cold basement, he thought he heard someone whistling near the window. He looked around and was able to get a glimpse of a young woman who was walking in the backyard. David tapped on the window with a broomstick handle until he caught the attention of the stranger. She looked down in wonderment as to why this young boy was shaking quite severely and standing alone in the cellar. She knelt on the ground and proceeded to talk to him through the cracked window pane. As the stranger looked around through the window she noticed an old army cot set up in the corner that appeared to have blood-stained sheets lying across it. David looked at her with such fear and hopelessness.” To me, this sets the story and has very much description in it. It really pulled me in to want to read the rest of her essay about how David met Rebecca meet.
To me, there isn’t too much distraction, but there were definitely some words that didn’t need to be in the story. She could take out over used words and replace them with more interesting words, or just leave them out altogether. I think overall it’s a good piece, it could use some revisions, but still very good.
I think that next time you should try being a little more descriptive throughout your whole essay, and not just in the opening paragraph. Even when people are talking, you can make them say descriptive things. To be more descriptive, try adding things that you might see in poetry. Like similes, metaphors, onomatopoeias, and personification. They make your writing original and more interesting to read.
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