We set the table and cleaned the house for when our cousin David would visit. Aunt Pearl was very excited for him to visit because we haven’t seen him in a long time.
We heard a knock at the door and we jumped from our seats to see David. Aunt Pearl scurried to the door and opened it and David and his mom were there. They exchanged hugs greeted each other. We all sat down in the living room and David’s mom commented, “That is a lovely rug.”
“Thanks,” said Aunt Pearl.
It really seemed like they had nothing much better to talk about. Aunt Pearl was just happy to see David, not his mom. I remember Aunt Pearl talking on the phone about poor David and that he had a terrible mother. David had many cuts and bruises on him.
“How did you get those cuts David,” I said.
“Umm…” He hesitated for a moment and looked at his mom and said, “Just from climbing trees and playing outside.
“oh.” I said in disbelief. The cuts and bruises he had weren’t from trees I knew.
“Hey David do you want to go to my room,”
“Yeah, go and play,” said David’s mom like she didn’t want us around.
We played outside and talked for a few about our friends and family. David seemed shy and he hadn’t grown since the last time I saw him you could see his bones protruding from his body because of how thin he was. We went back upstairs and I saw Aunt Pearl and David’s mom having a heated conversation between each other. I remember David and I always loved to hang out with each other. But now he seems different.
“David did you know I am training to become a boxer?” I asked.
“No I didn’t.” He claimed. He just looked at me and smiled, he didn’t say anything at all. I decided I would show him around the city. I showed him where I trained for boxing and the park, and even introduced him to Major and James. David seemed more comfortable now. I showed him what I did for my job, at the grocery store. After all that we returned home and we sat down in the living room with Aunt Pearl and David’s mom. David’s mom reeked of alcohol and always seemed very cold and never talked to David or me. Her and Aunt Pearl shoed us away and me and David sat in the other room and watched TV.
“What’s your favorite television show?” I asked.
“Oh, I am not allowed to watch TV at my house.”
“Not allowed to…Why not?”
“I’m just not allowed to.”
“Too bad you’re missing out.” I said.
“Come on David!” his mom yelled in a harsh tone. “Were leaving!”
Without any argument David got up and we said our goodbyes to each other. David’s mom grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him out the door. Aunt Pearl was teary-eyed and in no time she began to cry. I figured there was something different about David.
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2 comments:
Ryan,
I have not yet read the Contender, which is partly what his story is about, but you really explained things well enough for me to understand what the characters were like and how they acted. I remember reading A Child Called It. The book was a very sad story and Ryan had explained David very well so that I could have a good picture in my mind of the scene. I could vividly see a picture in my head of a small scrawny beat up looking kid being bossed around by a horrible looking mother.
The conversation did in fact seem authentic and how he stated it afterwards was very helpful. “Yeah, go and play,” said David’s mom like she didn’t want us around.” It helped me know exactly how each character was saying things, and this example explains it exactly. A lot of stories usually have the word “said” after every piece of dialogue. Writing it like Ryan did does make it more interesting to read and you can almost picture a play of the story going through your mind.
“Aunt Pearl was teary-eyed and in no time she began to cry. I figured there was something different about David.” These couple of sentences don’t stick out to me because of good vocabulary, or how they are worded, but only because these sentences are the ending of the story. I liked how it kind of left you hanging on what was going to happen next but still let you know how the character was feeling at the time. It kind of makes me picture the character just sitting and thinking about what had just happened.
I looked over Ryan’s essay a few times and really could find no other problematic things except for this one sentence. “David seemed shy and he hadn’t grown since the last time I saw him you could see his bones protruding from his body because of how thin he was.” I thought that he should possibly put a period, and start a new sentence between him and you. Overall, Ryan did a good job proofreading and I couldn’t find any other mistakes.
If written again, I would have like to known a little bit more about what the two adults had been talking about. Maybe the character that Ryan played could have overheard something one of the mothers had said in their “heated argument” instead of just keep coming back to it when they were finished talking to each other. So maybe in the future with stories like these you could show a little more about both sides of the story to get a better understanding about what’s going on. It might also mke them more interesting and you might even have a little more to write about.
I. I enjoyed reading your story. I have read both of these books, and you really explained the setting and how the characters acted and were like. I remember when I read the Child Called It how awful his mother was to him. That is why I think you did a good job of identifying the characters and how they acted. When you were describing how David had all of the cuts and bruises on him, I could picture it in my mind by how descriptive you were. In my head, I was thinking about how hard life must be for David, and how he has to deal with it all.
II. The conversations between the characters were very authentic and realistic. I liked how you could tell who was saying what. By the way you had them say certain words, you could tell that person was the one to say it. I thought that the dialogues were easy to read and made sense.
III. My favorite part of the story would probably be in the beginning when Aunt Pearl was excited to see him. It makes you feel happy for him because for once, someone wants to see him. The sentence that describes this is, “Aunt Pearl was very excited for him to visit because we haven’t seen him in a long time”.
IV. The only problems in this story would probably be the grammar and spelling mistakes. It also kind of bothered me how you didn’t give us the name of David’s cousin.
One piece of advice that the author might consider for future writing assignment would be to try to proofread over and over again to catch the simple mistakes. Try to have the characters have more excitement in them, and describe the scenes a little better. Overall, I think you did a good job!
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