Sunday, September 7, 2008

David’s Escaped by Shae F

As soon as David was released from years of pain and suffering he realized, now he was on his own no longer living in fear of his mother but now in fear of himself. David walked until he couldn’t walk anymore and came to a town where a little girl named Rebecca lived.

“Hi, my name is David and I have been walking for a very long time without food shelter or anything too drink, do you think maybe you could get a glass of water?”

As Rebecca ran into her house to grab the grungy little boy a glass of water three very rude boys came and started to torment poor little David.

“Hey get away from him.” Rebecca sniped. Handing David the glass of water.

David smiled in delight as she chased the boys off her lawn.

“Sorry about them they have no manners, and apparently neither do I, hi my name is Rebecca.”

Rebecca took David into her house and introduced him to her mother.

“how do you do David?” Rebecca’s mother asked in a gentle tone.
“Fine, thanks.”

Rebecca began to tell her mother why he was so thin and dirty. Once she had finished her mother raced up the stairs to find him some suitable clothes.


Later on that evening while enjoying a nicely cooked meal David wondered, was this going to be his life showing up at peoples houses and asking for food and water?

“David my mother and I were wondering, would you like to stay here with us?” When Rebecca said that David’s heart fill with love. he replied in a ecstatic voice,
“Thank you so much, I would love to stay here.” David replied.

The next few week were great for David he went shopping to the movies out for dinner and was having the time of his life, until one night he Rebecca and her mom were all watching the news when his mother came on.
“hello we have a urgent news a mother of five lost one of her children while at the mall, if anyone knows the whereabouts of a boy named David Pezler about 4’11 Caucasian brown hair 11 years of age please notify the police, this has been
Connie reporting for W.S.S.F. news thank you.”

David’s mouth dropped wide open. He new if he went home his mother would surly kill him. He told Rebecca and her mother the whole story. They began to weep as they hugged him close.
.


The next morning was peculiar the state police appeared on Rebecca’s doorway, in shock David ran up to the attic were he hid in a closet so he wouldn’t be forced back to that horrible placed he once called home. Not knowing what to do Rebecca’s mother answered the door.

“Hello gentleman how can help you?” she said frightened

“Maim we were told that you having been seen with a young boy named David Pelzer is this true?” the officer said in a firm voice.

David hiding in the closet new that if he were to return home he would never see daylight again, but he had to do something drastic, before Rebecca’s mom had a chance to reply he came running down the stairs and said.

“Officer let me stay here they are so nice to me and they feed me and give clothes that aren’t all ratty and old, and they don’t beat me like mother use to please sir have a heart and don’t make me go back.”

“fine and just for your safety we won’t tell your mother of your whereabouts, have a nice life son.”

As the officers left David new he wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

My personal reaction to the story was wow. I would have never thought of putting Dave and Rebecca together at with the same age. I think it was very creative to do this. I remember reading the book and thinking that Dave should run away, and it was nice that somebody took that and created a story with it. When I read the story I was thinking of her house layout kind of like mine, because the way it was described, the attic was above the stairs, so you could hear what was going on downstairs. I think that in the story Dave wants to start a new life but doesn’t know how so he ends up doing the first thing he can do, running and asking for help. This story makes me think about how lucky Dave was because normally when a kid runs away he isn’t lucky enough to get shelter on his first day out on the streets. The conversation between the two characters seemed very authentic and Shae did a good job at that. One line that seemed very authentic was, “Sorry about them they have no manners, and apparently neither do I, hi my name is Rebecca.” That seems like something a lot of people say. My favorite part of the story was the end because it was a very happy ending. “Later on that evening while enjoying a nicely cooked meal David wondered, was this going to be his life showing up at peoples houses and asking for food and water?” This is my favorite line in the story. It shows that even though he was in a safe place, he was still conscious about his surroundings. The only thing that was problematic was that normally, a family wouldn’t take a dirty boy in off the street, so tat didn’t seem very believable.

Anonymous said...

My personal reaction to the story was wow. I would have never thought of putting Dave and Rebecca together at with the same age. I think it was very creative to do this. I remember reading the book and thinking that Dave should run away, and it was nice that somebody took that and created a story with it. When I read the story I was thinking of her house layout kind of like mine, because the way it was described, the attic was above the stairs, so you could hear what was going on downstairs. I think that in the story Dave wants to start a new life but doesn’t know how so he ends up doing the first thing he can do, running and asking for help. This story makes me think about how lucky Dave was because normally when a kid runs away he isn’t lucky enough to get shelter on his first day out on the streets. The conversation between the two characters seemed very authentic and Shae did a good job at that. One line that seemed very authentic was, “Sorry about them they have no manners, and apparently neither do I, hi my name is Rebecca.” That seems like something a lot of people say. My favorite part of the story was the end because it was a very happy ending. “Later on that evening while enjoying a nicely cooked meal David wondered, was this going to be his life showing up at peoples houses and asking for food and water?” This is my favorite line in the story. It shows that even though he was in a safe place, he was still conscious about his surroundings. The only thing that was problematic was that normally, a family wouldn’t take a dirty boy in off the street, so tat didn’t seem very believable.

Anonymous said...

My personal reaction to the story was that it was very good. It was well writen and used alot of good vocab. The conversation between the characters was very good. It seemed very realistic. My favorite part of the story is when he came out of the closet and told the cop everythin... and the cop said ok. One think that was a problem for me was that I didnt know, is rebbeca the second character? A peice of advise for next time is that you should put sound effect because that is fun, like "POW".

erin p said...

When I first read about Rebecca and David meeting at the same age, I thought genius!, what a good idea of how to make them meet! As I started reading the story, I could see David walking down the street, and coming up to Rebecca’s house in his tattered clothes, asking for a glass of water. I remember her saying that when Rebecca goes inside these other kids walk by and start beating them up, Rebecca tells them to leave him alone. That really stuck out to me because it was the first time in a long time, since somebody stuck up for him like that, it kind of shows off Rebecca’s friendly personality.
The conversation seems a little staged, sure it’s not like a real life story and it’s going to sound a little staged, but I think it was more staged than it needed to be. She definitely used detail in her story, the first paragraph or so was very well written and used a lot of detail.
My favorite part in this story was also the first paragraph;
“As soon as David was released from years of pain and suffering he realized, now he was on his own no longer living in fear of his mother but now in fear of himself. David walked until he couldn’t walk anymore and came to a town where a little girl named Rebecca lived.” To be more specific, my most favorite part in the excerpt above, would have to be when she writes, “now he as on his own no longer living in fear of his mother but now in fear of himself.” I don’t know what it is about it that makes me love it so much, I just do.
If I had to choose one thing that distracted me from the greatness of this essay, would be punctuation and spelling errors. There were a lot of places where I just wanted to add a comma or capitalize a letter in the beginning of a sentence. You wouldn’t think that it’s that big of a problem, but it does take away from the rest of the story.
Next time, I would advise you to look over your writing when you’re done, and check for those punctuation and spelling errors. You might also want to try being a little more descriptive in the rest of your writing and not just in the first paragraph. You did really good though!

Anonymous said...

I thought that this story had a good overall plot, but could have used more description. I see the story in clear description in my imagination, with images of David in my head, especially when she described him when he was missing on television. That was a very good idea by Shae to give personal description. But I also liked how there was a happy ending.
Most of the conversation was very good, but there were parts that didn’t really make sense or wouldn’t happen in real life. But the dialog was used to make the story flow more naturally which was good by the author. One thing she could have done was compare the conversations in the book to her own, and make parts more believable.
One part/line that I liked from the story was, “The next few week were great for David he went shopping to the movies out for dinner and was having the time of his life,”. This made me happy to read that David’s living conditions became better, and he wasn’t traumatized from his mother and family.
One thing that was problematic was at the end when the police officer found David and said, “fine and just for your safety we won’t tell your mother of your whereabouts, have a nice life son.” This wouldn’t happen in real life, it would be illegal. David’s mother would go to court, and jail, and she would find out where David was. Also David couldn’t just stay there, Rebecca’s family would have to adopt him, or make Rebecca’s mother his legal guardian. Also the Author Shae, forgot commas in some places, but that is not very problematic.
Next time the author could reread to make sure everything makes sense, and also to catch any punctuation missing. But overall I thought she did a very good job.

Anonymous said...

I thought this was a well written, very descriptive story. I liked that it was full of action and kept me focused. An image that I can see in my mind is of the boy, so scared of his mother that he doesn't want to go home. I thought that the conversation was really believable and authentic.
"Rebecca began to tell her mother why he was so thin and dirty. Once she had finished, her mother raced upstairs to find him some suitable clothes." I think this is a well-formed and thought out sentence.

I found it distracting that there wasn't enough punctuation. I would suggest that you use more descriptive words next time, but otherwise it was very good.

Anonymous said...

After reading the story I feel sorry for David. I remember that Davids mom beats him. The images that I see are David being beaten by his mother.
The conversation between David and Rebecca seemed real. David seemed very appreciative of the food, water, and nice clothes, making this seem authentic.
My favorite part of the story was when the beginning because it was very well written. “fine and just for your safety we won’t tell your mother of your whereabouts, have a nice life son.” I liked this line because the part that says have a nice life was pretty funny, even though no halfway decent police officer would say that.
One thing that is problamatic is that you sometimes did not use correct punctuation when you should have. there were times when you should have used a comma, but used a period or even nothing.
Next time consider trying to make the dialogue of some of the characters more realistic. there were some things that the police said that no police officer would say.

Anonymous said...

I thought the story was really good. It was very descriptive and you had some really good ideas! I love how you did the news thing. You even created your own person, and it sounded just like a real news cast!!The whole story worked out, but at the end it was a little un-realistic,like when the cop said"Have a nice life kid!" That wouldn't really happen in real life. The people would have to go to court with David,s mom. But overall, I thought it was a really good story!!:)