One I was in Mr.Donatelli’s gym when I heard the screeching sounds of the old staircase. It was to late for any of the other boxers to come and work out. I was in there all by myself working out on the peanut bag when I heard him coming up. The door crept open as this kid came out from behind the door. I pretended not to notice him at first then when the door slammed shut I turned around. I asked him," Can I help you."
"Hello I am David Peltzer" he said," I came here today to find a way to take out my aggression. I’ve lived with my mom’s abuse over the past years and can’t take it anymore. So I have run away and came here to Harlem. I want to…"
"Hold on! You talk a lot you know. Where are you from first of all?"
“San Francisco," he remarked.
"How have you ended up here?"
"I took trains," he said.
"Ok well what do you want me to do?"
"I want someone like you to help me get started to become a boxer," he answered.
"Well ok just today cause I don’t like teaching to much."
First thing I told him was the schedule he would have to follow which I was in. Then I brought him to the peanut bag and taught him how I was used to hitting it and then told him he would have to make sound like a machine gun. "How do u do that," he asked.
"Just practice," I said. Then I lead him over to the heavy bag and told him it was to build up your arms and shoulders. "You want to really work on this and the peanut bag to work up your speed," I said. “When I started I had trouble moving the heavy bag without it hurting but once you start practicing every day you’ll get used to it. Also with the peanut bag its hard to control at first. Are u going to move here?”
“No I just heard of this gym when I was around here and thought I could just check it out and to get started. I’m still not done running away. I want to go as far away as possible. I was going to find my dad.” He mumbled
“O, where does he live?”
“I found out it was around Boston so I’m going to find out.”
“Well hopefully you find him. Lets get back to work.” I said.
He responded,” No I think this was good enough for a start when I get to Boston I will find another boxing instructor to help me become a boxer.”
“Well just remember on your way there find ways to work out. Do your running and do push ups, crunches, and other exercises if you really want to be in good shape when you get to Boston.”
“Well better get going, train is going to leave soon. Well thanks,” he told me
“Yea no problem, peace.”
He left and door slammed shut and he was on the way down the old stairs to the crowed stoops on the Harlem streets.
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3 comments:
hey luis, haha :)
Well overall your story was great. I, myself enjoyed reading it. The part i remember most was when David introduced himself to the narrator. When i read your story at a certain point, i can see the narrator hitting the peanut bag and making a machine gun noise like BANGBANGBANG! Concept in this story is that David wants to become a boxer before he goes to Boston to find his father, and as of right now he just needs someone to help him get started. The story made me think that i wanted to know more in the end, it caught my attention.
The dialog you used made me actually feel like the guys were having a real cpnversation between the two of them and i liked that :)The details, that specifically, made the characters seem real and natural where when you told me they were doing stuff, like hitting the peanut bag for example.
I thik your dialog was excellent and I wouldnt make you change anything about it.
My favorite park of the story was when the narrator said :"Hold on! You talk a lot you know. Where are you from first of all?" That line basically stood out to me, because when David did start talking it seemed like her did talk a lot, so when the narrator said that, i felt like he read my mind, haha.
One thing about your essay that i found problematic in your essay was in the like..“O, where does he live?” I feel like you would want to make it "Oh" with an h instead of just "O" otherwith i didnt find anything else wrong with your story.
The tip i would consider for future writing assignments would be to add just a TAD bit more of descripiton.
i thought that this story overall was a pretty good story. the part that i remembered the most was that when the man walked in and with the kid behind him and he said what are you doing here? i can picture the two people walking up tthe stairs that creaked. the concept that is in my head is that david wants to be a boxer then go to his father. the story made me think about what happened when he got to his fathers house?
yes the conversation did seem authentic but i didnt always no who was talking at the time. the real and natural stuff is that like when he had to keep in shape and do the peanut bag and hit the big bag. the authur could of let the reader no who was talking at the right time.
my favorite part of the story is when he came to the gym to work out and mr. dontanalli helped him. it was funny when the guy was like,"hold on you talk to much".
one thing that i found distracting was that he didnt indicate who was talking. there wernt always punctuation, and there grammer.other than that the rest of the story was fine.
some advice for the fucture of your witing is to be more discriptive with everything. also use different kinds of words.
Luis-
I really enjoyed reading your story. I can imagine what it looked like when David walked into the gym and the boxer asked him if he could help him with anything. It really caught my attention when he asked for help because I wanted to find out why he wanted to become a boxer in the first place.
The conversation did seem authentic in this story. The two guys were talking like most would, for example when he said, "Yeah no problem, peace." This seemed very realistic and I think that was the part you did best in your story.
My favorite part of the story was when you wrote, "Hello I am David Peltzer" he said," I came here today to find a way to take out my aggression. I’ve lived with my mom’s abuse over the past years and can’t take it anymore. So I have run away and came here to Harlem. I want to…" Although this is not something good that happened to David it really makes you want to keep reading to find out what David wants to be and find out more about his life.
The only problem that I found was a few times was that you spelt words in shorter forms for example, "O" and "U" other then that I didn’t find any other problems.
In the future maybe you could be a little more descriptive about the setting and the characters. This might help the reader get a clearer view of things in your story and make it easier to understand. But other then that I think you did a really good job with combining yours stories.
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