After David was saved by his teachers, it was planned that he would go live with his Grandmother in England. His Grandmother was a nice old lady that he had visited only once in his life, long before his mother started harassing him. He could only remember the good things about her and hoped that she hadn’t changed. The following week he was on a plane to meet his grandmother in his new home.
Rebecca was on the plane, ready for lift off. She was very eager to get to England so she could finally figure out the puzzle Gemma had left for her to solve. As she sat in her seat, belt buckled, the story’s Gemma once told her ran through her mind and mushed together forming one huge fairy tale. Little did she know that all this remembering made her unconsciously speak the story of Briar Rose out loud.
“Excuse me miss, but what might I ask are you talking about?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking, I was just remembering a story my Grandma used to tell me. Who are you?”
“I’m David, I’m on my way to go meet my Grandma, who are you?”
“I’m Rebecca, nice to meet you.”
“So Rebecca, what are you doing going all the way to England?” asked David.
“I am actually going to find out about my Grandma. You see, she died a few weeks ago and she always told us these fairy tales. They had the same basic ideas as the regular ones, like Cinderella, but she gave them different names, and one she told the most she called Briar Rose. Its kind of confusing to explain, but she always said that she was Briar Rose. That she was the young princess in the story’s she told. Sorry, I’m probably boring you.”
“No, its fine. Keep going, I’m interested.”
“Ok, well I guess I’m here because clues I found in her box led me here, and I’m really wanting to find out about her life, and why she called herself Briar Rose.”
“That’s so cool, I wish you luck.”
“Thank you, David, why are you going to see your Grandma? You sure have a lot of stuff with you, way to much too just spend a week or so.”
“Well it’s sort of a long story, but my mom…well, she beats me. Well more like she used to beat me. It wasn’t really beating, but she used to harass me. I would do absolutely nothing, but she would continue to treat me badly and tell me I was a ‘bad boy.’ I wasn’t aloud to live in my house, I slept on a cot in the garage. I hardly ever ate, it was just bad. She brainwashed me into thinking I was actually a bad boy, and that everything was my fault. So, last week my teachers found out and now I’m going to live with my Grandma.”
“That’s horrible. I could never imagine someone with that much hate. You do know it wasn’t your fault, right?”
“Yeah, I know now.”
“If you would please fascine your seat belts, we would like to begin take off.”
“I get sick on planes, so I’m going to go to sleep, wake me up when we get there!”
“I will, and Rebecca?”
“Yeah?”
“It was really nice meeting you, thanks for talking with me.”
“Your welcome David, I’m only in England for two weeks, but if your grandma knows where this address is… feel free to come find me.”
“Thanks! I definitely will.”
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5 comments:
This was a very interesting story I thought and she made the characters interact very well. I wouldn't have thought of them meeting on the plane. It also tells their stories in like a few sentences. I feel like Briar Rose was an interesting book and I might go read it soon. I remember the part when Rebecca was telling David about her gradma's stories. I see the inside of a plane and two people talking. The story made me think about the two different books.
The conversation of the two characters did seem authentic. It made it feel real because the characters both were talking like real people and feeling real emotions. For example when Rebecca said she got sick on planes.
My favorite part of the story was at the end of the conversation Rebecca asked David to wake her up if she fell asleep. The quote was “I get sick on planes, so I’m going to go to sleep, wake me up when we get there!” I found it funny how after one conversation they're best friends.
I didn't really find anything distracting. If I did have to pick one thing then it would be how they don't use their other senses. I would want to know if the plane was loud and everyone was talking so they would have to yell at each other or if it was very quite and they were whispering.
One piece of advice for future assignments is to incorporate other senses such as touch, see, and hear. Next time consider feeling like you are actually in the story. Maybe you could tell the story from one of their point of views. I think it would be cool to know what they thought about each other when they first see each other.
Hello Erin! I really liked ready your story! It was interesting the way in which you meshed the two stories and had the main characters meet on an airplane. The way in which you presented the story made me feel happy for David knowing he was going to find someone to take care of him that would no longer hurt him. As for Becca, she was still on her journey, yet we know from the book that she solves her mystery. Reading about Becca on the plane, brought back how the journey had really just begun and it was quite eye-opening to find her Gemma was really a victim of the Holocaust.
The conversation between the two characters, Becca and David, did seem authentic. The only point to make is David really never was able to speak about his abuse, but in this dialogue he seemed quite open. It’s possible he would have been able to speak about it in this way now that the truth was out in the open.
My favorite part of the dialogue was the following two lines, “You do know it wasn’t your fault, right?” “Yeah, I know now.” It brought back the reminder of the pain David was subjected to and it was so nice to see in print that he realized none of what happened was his fault. It helped to form a bit of closure to the wounds (both physical and mental) that he suffered. Becca seemed like the type of person who could discuss such a matter as she was a very caring individual.
There were very few problematic items in your dialogue. There were only a couple of typos, where the wrong word was mis-printed. Other than that, I could find very little wrong with the composition and the grammar.
Next time when making a story, give more detail to the setting. In this case, you do mention that two are on an airplane and you also brought up the fact that he was traveling with quite a bit of luggage. It would have nice to maybe have commented on the clothing they were wearing, the weather or possibly other individuals on the plane. It was a very well written story; great job!
I liked this summer reading essay.When I read it i remembered that David finally got away from his mother in the end and that Becca was traveling to Europe to find out about Gemma's past. When I read this essay I pictured two strangers on a plane trying to make conversation while sitting on the tarmac waiting for lift off.
I thought the conversation was authentic. I think that Becca could have been munbling the story of Briar Rose and a curious, young boy, David would be compelled to understand what she was talking about. I thought that could be a possible senarioo and made sense to me. I thought it seemed natural because i thought a nice person like Becca would've introduced herself to the boy and David would have been seeking attention maybe, because he was often pushed away and put in the cellar all alone.
My favorite quote is "His Grandmother was a nice old lady..." I liked it because i was releived to know that David would have a nice family member to fall back on and live with because his mother was such a monster.
I didn't think that there was anything problematic about this essay. The only thing i'd suggest was maybe be more descriptive in your writing. Other than that I thoguht this was a great essay!
i thought that was a very interesting story. the story made me think about this little boy who was just sitting on a plane alone, when this lady just walks up and sits down in front of him. it was a very creative idea have the setting be on a plane.
the conversation between the 2 characters definetly seemmed realistic, the one thing i would change was that david just got out of a abusive relashonship with his mom, i dont know, this soon if he would be open to talk about it, or if he was really happy that he didt need to see his mother anymore, and he was boasting, but i think you should have explained that just a litte more.
the part i most remember was when becca self-conciouly was telling Briar Rose out loud. i dont know what was so special about that but it definetly stood out in my mind.
i didnt really find anyhting distracting, but if i had to pick one thing, i think i would have to agree with Rose D's commet, i think it would have added somethign to the story if you maybe said that while becca was self consiously reciting Briar Rose, and someone turned around and said "exsquse me im trying to Rest" and then have david come in. otherwise i thought it was good.
one thing of advice that i would give would be too, put little tiny bits of detail here and there. for example maybe when david said "oh, who are you talking too?" you could say, rebeca jumped a little becasue she was frietened. or something like that. But overall i think it was a very good essay!
I really like how you actually wrote the dialogue how people might talk, not just how you would right it to make it sound formal. I can actually see the plane and David and Becca talking. I feel like it could be a section from a real book, not just an essay for english class.
The conversation did seem real and authentic. How Becca had said "I am probably boring you"made it seem real and at the end when she was talking about sleeping and asking David to wake her up.
My favorite part of the story was when David was describing how he lived with his mom. I liked it because it really showed what went on in the book and gave a good summary. I also liked "Little did she know that all this remembering made her unconsciously speak the story of Briar Rose out loud." This was a cool sentence because its sounds like something someone would do, just start to talk without realize it. It doesn't seem fake or staged or anything like that.
One thing that I found a little weird about the dialogue was when David said “Excuse me miss, but what might I ask are you talking about?” because it seemed like a really formal sentence for a boy as young as David to say. It seems like a more appropriate sentence would be something like "Excuse me, but what are you talking about?" without the miss and what might I ask.
One piece of advice I would give you would be to try using simpler language for david like I was talking about earlier. It might be more age appropriate. That would make this already well-written essay even better.
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