Sunday, September 7, 2008

By Hannah S.

It was a warm night in California .Summer was almost over, and fall was coming as the leaves from the trees started to turn. Alfred Brooks had just moved into an apartment next to David Pelzer. The spacious brick apartments where outside of the city in California. David, who had come from San Francisco, stayed close to his different foster homes after the rough beginning of his life. Although David was happy to move somewhere new when he found this apartment.
That night David went to a small restaurant for dinner. After he finished his burger he left the money and a tip and walked out the door. He pulled on his sweatshirt as he paced down the long street. Alfred, who was driving down the street recognized the tall and thin man with dirty blonde hair. The car came to a halt and David’s head lifted up to see who was stopping. The window of the car squeaked down and he heard a familiar voice say.
“Hey want a ride home? It’s your neighbor Alfred.”
David didn’t know that much about him, but had met Alfred before and knew he was a nice guy so he crouched over to get in the car and watched as the car pulled away from the curb and accelerated. Alfred’s voice pierced the silence in the car.
“So David, where do you come from?" Alfred said.
"Different foster homes in California." said David quietly.
“Oh.” sighed Alfred
“I was abused as a child and ended up in foster care.” David then glanced at the scars on his arms and said, “and that’s where all the scars are from.”
“Sorry that happened to you David.” Alfred said quietly.
“And what about some of the scars on your face Alfred?”
“I was a boxer at Donatellei’s gym in New York when I was a teenager.”
“Oh were you good.” David said casually
“Yeah I guess, but there were some hard times.” said Alfred
“ With me too.” said David “I would go days without eating.”
“That’s harder than what I had to face considering I ate 3 big meals a day, but I did have to face some big guys, and have hours of tough training.” Alfred chattered
“So why did you stop boxing Alfred?” said puzzled David
“My coach said it was my time to stop and I realized it to because I was no longer the best, but I had put up a good fight.”
A cold breeze then filled the air as they were approaching the apartments. The windows were slowly rolled up and the car fell to silence again. David glanced over at Alfred. He had black hair and dark skin, and scars that ran over his face. Then David broke the silence.
“So why did you come all the way out to California from New York?”

“ I went to college at the University Of Phoenix.” said proud Alfred
“So what did you major in?”
“ I majored in Science in athletic training, so I could possibly open a gym someday and help other people like it helped me.”
“I’m thinking of writing a book about my life, and trying to help people too.” said David
Alfred then replied, “so tell me about your life.”
David then started. “Ok well I had a great family, a mom, dad, and two brothers. We had great time going to the beach or the park and just spending time together. But then my mother started drinking when I was in about elementary school and problems started from there. I was to clean up the house and if I wasn’t done in time or if it wasn’t good enough I wouldn’t get food at all, and would be beat. And if I did finish I would get crumbs or food left over before I went to school. Then I would have to go to school and lie about the bruises or cuts.”
“I’m sorry about all of that David.” said Alfred sadly
“Its not you fault Alfred.”
“But then one day all of the teachers got together and helped me to safety and took my mother away.”
“That’s good you were ok.” Alfred said
“Yes. So tell me about your family Alfred.” said David
“Well they live in Harlem, NY. There is my mom and my sisters. They are all very nice and my mom is very hard working to try and get the best education for my sisters and me.
“Well that is good to hear.” David said happily.
The car came to a halt and pulled into its parking spot. David thanked Alfred for the ride. They both knew that they would become good friends.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think that your story really makes sense and that it fits together really well. It makes wonder about what Dave's life was like after his "rescue."
Did he talk to people about his experience before he wrote his books?
This conversation seemed authentic because the characters seemed to talk like their ages (which I'm guessing is mid-20's) not like older people or young kids.
My favorite part of the story was "Alfred’s voice pierced the silence in the car." becauseyou used a good wor that helps describe the scene.
You didn't make very many mistakes, but you forggot some commas and perions. For example, “I’m sorry about all of that David.” said Alfred sadly (period) “Its not you fault Alfred.” But ortherwise this story is really good.
Next time maybe you should try to use a little more characterization so readers can use more imagery.

Anonymous said...

I think that your story really makes sense and that it fits together really well. It makes wonder about what Dave's life was like after his "rescue."
Did he talk to people about his experience before he wrote his books?
This conversation seemed authentic because the characters seemed to talk like their ages (which I'm guessing is mid-20's) not like older people or young kids.
My favorite part of the story was "Alfred’s voice pierced the silence in the car." becauseyou used a good wor that helps describe the scene.
You didn't make very many mistakes, but you forggot some commas and perions. For example, “I’m sorry about all of that David.” said Alfred sadly (period) “Its not you fault Alfred.” But ortherwise this story is really good.
Next time maybe you should try to use a little more characterization so readers can use more imagery.