Ender sat on a lake in Georgia. He sat on a raft he built himself out of wood. The second raft he had made for that particular lake now that the other was rotted and disassembled. He had found it that way upon his return to Earth only a year ago. He had truly been away for a long time, on a planet 50 years away. That was in Ender’s past though. He didn’t much care for his past. It was a dark and gloomy past. As a child he was separated from his parents and cast into a life of loneliness and constant pressure. He had commanded in a war, won, and was the brightest person, let alone child, in the world by age 12.
The day was beautiful. The sun was out. One cloud was apparent to the Northwest and was quickly drifting away into a background of trees. In any direction trees were thick with underbrush below resting upon a slowly sloping hill of which Ender appreciated after spending six years in a space station that’s floors sloped up to make a tire-like shape. On the south side of the lake a house stood, Ender’s home.
“What the…” Ender exclaimed as a raggedy boy popped out of the brush and into the lake. The boy was under water for nearly thirty seconds but came up to the sound of Ender screaming across the lake. “Hey, what do you think your doing you little peasant?”
As the young boy stuttered Ender splashed his way to the boy on his raft. When he arrived he threw the boy ashore next to an especially thick and dark patch of brush and screamed “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, I ASKED?!?”
“I-i-i-i-”
“Well, I’m waiting,” bellowed Ender into the boy’s ear. “This is private property, which means “no come in” to you little boy.”
As the boy started to cry Ender realized how cruel he was being. “Okay settle down. Wow, you look horrible. Are those bruises on your arm?”
“Ye-es,” The boy said quietly gulping in breaths after his rant of crying. He never cried but he was startled so badly and the big scary man came off so horrific he simply couldn’t help himself He didn’t know why.
“How did you get those?”
“M-my mother.”
“That’s terrible. What’s your name?”
“David.”
“Yes…” Ender said expecting more.
“Pelzer.”
“Well David Pelzer. I’m Ender Wiggin. Sorry about before. I was just enjoying a moment. Nothing really now that I think of it. Anyway, where did you come from? I don’t get many strangers, or anyone, around here often.
“I live in a town outside San Francisco. I stole money from my brothers to jump on a train in an attempt to run away from my mother. I just kept going from train to train. Where are we?”
“Georgia. Are you serious?-”
At that moment a fist ran across Ender’s face as another gripped little David. Ender heard Dave shout “No, Mot-” before he hit the ground and was out like a light.
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1 comment:
Luis Agrait
1) David must have stole a lot of money if he ended up in Georgia from San Francisco. I can see him jumping from train to train to get away. It would be difficult but with the abuse he was getting its worth it. Its sad how much he had to travel to get away from his mother. All in all this was writing to make the writer think about how his life was.
2)I feel that the conversation between the two characters seemed like a real conversation but just was a little too short. The dialogue was good but not to many sophisticated words. When you have the other character interrupt the other it seems real. In the story I think u needed a little more details or of made a better plot. Also adding some more sentences could of made this really, really good.
3) I liked the part when Ender was yelling at David to get to him and then he jumped in a threw him out onto shore. Also I like the part when you wrote" It was a dark and gloomy past." You can feel the words meanings. Also you can tell had bad his life has been with his mom.
4)It seemed like you left out a part at the end. I feel like you needed a stronger ending. I was a little confused with how Ender was talking about space-stations and stuff like that. your grammar and punctuation seemed flawless. Just use some more interesting words.
5)For the future I advise to consider writing with more word choice. Also think about what your trying to make the reader comprehend cause it was a little confusing. The story was really good though. Good how you combined the two characters.
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